Millie thought she knew what she was getting into.

On the same day a cute guy added her on Snapchat, she discovered that they shared a favorite musical artist. Snaps progressed into phone calls within a few days. 

Yet just a few weeks later, when Millie spent a Sunday visiting a family friend and did not check her phone for multiple hours, she returned to at least 40 angry texts and 10 missed calls. The messages grew increasingly frantic, culminating in accusations that she had been with another guy.

The next week, Millie sent him a Snap of her sitting beside her best friend. He accused her of prioritizing other “less relevant people” at the expense of their relationship.

More conflicts began to unfold the same way: hours-long text chains where they “took turns playing the victim.” A month in, Millie ended the relationship exactly how it started — over Snap. 

Millie’s story reflects the volatility of high school dating in the 21st century. As relationships become faster and more fragile, fewer teenagers are willing to engage in one at all.

According to the Pew Research Center, in 2014 and 2015, only 35% of those under 17 had been in some form of a romantic relationship, a drastic decrease from the Baby Boomers (78%) or Gen X-ers (76%) who dated in their teen years.

A joint research project between San Diego State University and Bryn Mawr College surveyed high schoolers from 1976 to 2016 on their dating experiences. They found that from 1990 to 1994, 84% of high school seniors had gone on a date, while from 2010 to 2016, just 63% of 12th graders had dated.

This is the “romantic recession.”

Susanna, an underclassman, wants to find “the one” — which is exactly why she is currently not dating in high school. 

“I’m dating for marriage. I’m dating to be with someone forever,” Susanna said. “When you go into a relationship in high school, you have to have the mindset that, unless you are the 1% [of relationships that lead to marriage], it’s not going to last.”

While Susanna is not completely opposed to a high school relationship, she remains wary of the potential repercussions that dating has on friendships. Back in middle school, she and some of her friends had a crush on the same person, but when one of them made a move, the fall-out broke up the entire group. Friendships were irrevocably ruined, all for a middle school relationship that didn’t last.

“You should definitely think about your friends before your romantic interest because high school romantic interests don’t last forever — but your friends should,” Susanna said. “It’s stupid to sacrifice your friends for a guy.”

Kelli, who has never even had a crush, considers friends more important than relationships, especially when it comes to balancing her academic responsibilities and social life. Last year, Kelli was a self-described workaholic who did not spend as much time with her friends as she wanted.

“I could feel some people growing more distant. If I were to start dating somebody, then that would just strain my relationships with other people,” Kelli said. “If I’m struggling to have enough time with friends, then what’s to say I have enough time for a romantic relationship?”

A lot of Susanna’s male friends share a common phobia: girls. Susanna attributes the current decline in dating to a fear of rejection, especially since conventional dating standards expect boys to initiate things.

“It’s come to the point where nobody’s making the first move. These days, it’s a lot more frequent for people to just be talking,” she said.

Gen Z uses the term “talking” in reference to the intermediary step between friendship and official dating. When two people are “talking,” their relationship does not have a label. Others are aware that they may eventually become a couple, but those in the talking stage are not off the dating market. These interactions mainly occur via text or social media.

If Susanna talks to somebody, she remains focused on them. Yet she has observed others who talk to more than one person at a time, which she considers a convenient way to remain uncommitted.

Keith, a senior, does not see an issue with talking to several people at once, as long as both parties understand that they remain uncommitted. He adds that talking stages are not necessarily harmful; situationships are. 

“I think talking stages are an integral part of the dating process to find the person you’re looking for,” Keith said. “While I think situationships happen when one party isn’t committed enough and the other party doesn’t have, no offense, the self-respect to call it at some point. That’s damaging.” 

After his own official relationship came to an end, Keith wants to work more on himself. Though he enjoyed the time that he spent with his ex, it also stretched his mental bandwidth. 

“By getting into a relationship, you inherently share a lot of emotional burdens,” he said. “A lot of your mental energy is being put towards keeping the other person happy and keeping the relationship stable.”

While some view the end of a relationship as a dramatic experience, Keith says from his personal experience it allows for growth.   

“It’s freeing. It’s a different aspect of yourself you don’t usually see in a relationship,” Keith said. “When you’re single, you don’t have that same obligation. You get to focus on yourself.”

“That was a great campout.” 

Magda Rajszewski, a senior at Lamar High School, read the text from SJS senior Winston Silsby. 

Silsby and Rajszewski met as senior patrol leaders of their respective Scout troops. Rajszewski was initially hesitant to date before college but reconsidered after meeting Silsby. 

“I was in the car with my mom and I was telling her, ‘Hey, I actually met a pretty good boy,’” Rajszewski said.

A few weeks later, Silsby and Rajszewski visited the Houston Museum of Natural Science for their first official date. The rest is history. 

Though Silsby and Rajszewski met in person, such an experience is becoming increasingly uncommon. As traditional third spaces — community hangouts including cafes and parks — continue to disappear, many teens turn to online outreach to form connections. 

According to the Pew Research Center, 50% of all teens have expressed romantic interest by following or adding someone on a social media platform, while 47% have done so by liking, commenting or engaging with that person’s posts. Additionally, a quarter of teens with dating experience have dated or hooked up with someone they first met online.

For Rajszewski, chatting online is no substitute for face-to-face connection. “If people aren’t leaving their houses and doing new things, they’re missing the chance to truly meet new people,” she said.

Social media can also create problems for those already in relationships.

Millie, a St. John’s student, met her ex-boyfriend over Snapchat. Because they attended different schools, much of their relationship relied on communication over social media platforms and text messaging. Millie found that such digital interaction eliminated common conversational cues such as tone and body language, which she and her partner had difficulty replicating online.   

When she and her boyfriend were mad at each other, they would intentionally take longer in replying to texts, send fewer Instagram reels and simply like TikToks instead of replying to them.

“These are small things, but we thought they made a major difference, and we wanted each other to notice them,” she said. “It was a way to send not-so-subtle cues.”

Knowing her boyfriend could track her location through Snapchat and see her active status online, Millie admittedly felt constant pressure to stay available. Her experience reflects a growing trend — about 20% of teens in serious relationships have been pressured by their partners into immediately responding to calls and texts, and 27% admit to using social media to keep tabs on their significant other’s whereabouts, according to the Pew Research Center.

“I felt like I needed to tell my boyfriend who I was with and where I was at all times, and to update him and talk to him every hour of the day, or else I wasn’t doing it right,” Millie said.

Silsby and Rajszewski attribute social media with perpetuating unrealistic expectations. According to survey results from Match, 41% of single people believe romantic media has set unrealistic expectations for love, and 43% think they’ll end up in a “picture-perfect romantic relationship.” 

“People see what a perfect guy or girl should be like online and they just keep raising their standards until nobody feels good enough,” Rajszewski said. 

Although they first made contact over Snapchat, Sultan and Ambani cite social media as a major factor in the decline of dating. They say the fast-paced, casual nature of Snap culture has paved the way for situationships — an umbrella term for romantic or sexual relationships that lack clear definition. These arrangements differ dramatically between couples in terms of exclusivity and seriousness. As Ambani describes, situationships are “basically everything about dating, but without the label and commitment.” 

According to YouGov, half of 18-34 year olds in the U.S. have experienced a situationship, compared to 38% of 35-54 year olds and 30% of those over 55. 

While the no-strings-attached mentality may seem appealing at first, Sultan points out that many enter situationships assuming they will not last, which leads to greater anxiety and prevents emotional investment.

“People can be afraid of committing because there’s a lot of mutual sacrifice,” Sultan said. “But a relationship is an agreement in which you both will give it your all, and some people might just be afraid of giving one-hundred percent.”

THE PERFECT MATCH

Even as relationships shift online, physical proximity still plays a role in whether a relationship will last.

Seniors Jake Hunt and Erin Bray, who have been friends since middle school, skipped the “traditional talking stage” and began dating sophomore year. Bray, who prioritizes quality time, prefers an in-school relationship.

“A big thing for me is just being able to see each other in the hallway or say good morning at the beginning of the day,” Bray said. 

When freshmen Hadley May and Matthew Rice were sixth graders at St. John’s, they were in a relationship for eight months, which Rice described as a “glorified friendship.” The summer before their freshman year, they got back together again. May considers their current in-school relationship to be stronger and more beneficial for each of them than when they were in middle school. 

“I was very much a different person in sixth grade,” May said. “Now, I actually know how to act in a relationship.”

After school, May and Rice usually call each other every day. They share many of the same classes and frequently work on homework together over Facetime.

“It’s good to have somebody to go through things with, but also just to decompress with at the end of the day,” Rice said.

Bruno’s in-school relationship was not as relaxing. The St. John’s student felt like his frequent interactions with his former partner around campus exacerbated other tensions in their relationship.

“It led to a lot of problems. I didn’t want to see them,” Bob said. “I feel like at school you should remain friends. Outside of school, that’s where you can be more of a romantic couple.”

Bruno started an out-of-school relationship at the end of his freshman year with his current girlfriend, who goes to another school. They messaged each other online for a month before meeting in-person. Bruno estimates that 99% of their current communication occurs through Instagram and texting. On average, they see each other twice a month.

“Having social media makes it okay to not see each other as much in person because we still get to communicate a lot,” Bruno said. “It’s not like we have to send each other handwritten letters — we can still text and call each other every day if we want to.”

While Bruno views social media as constructive in his relationship, he notes that staying digital is not necessarily the best path forward.

“I got to know her really well online, but I didn’t know what she was like in person,” Bruno said. Still, many of his friends feel like “meeting someone online is sufficient enough to get in a relationship.”

Silsby chooses not to broadcast his relationship online, either. He and Rajszewski feel that social platforms can shift the focus of relationships toward public validation.

“I don’t want to associate a good relationship with likes or comments,” Silsby said. “I want it to be just between us, not whatever social media labels us.”

Silsby and Rajszewski try to separate social media from their relationships as much as possible, taking precautions with their digital footprint. Still, they coordinate with each other online.

“We guarantee at least one official date per week, no matter what,” Rajszewski said. “It’s a real commitment. We have a shared doc with our schedules. We plan everything out.”

Silsby enjoys the balance he experiences in his out-of-school relationship.

“It’s like work and home life,” Silsby said. “You can give 100% to school, and then 100% to the relationship outside of it.”