Happy Thanksgiving, Mavericks! The Review ranks the Top 10 worst things to happen on Turkey Day.
10) Planes, Trains, and Automobiles in Real Life!
Your connecting flight to Bumble-town, USA gets canceled and you have to spend Thanksgiving in the Red Roof Inn airport hotel instead of your cozy grandmother’s home. There is nothing better than eating Cheez-its and Stroopwafels as a substitute for Thanksgiving dinner.
9) The Family Turkey Bowl Scruffle
The family is ready to begin the annual Thanksgiving football game. Every year, the “friendly” backyard football game somehow turns into the NFL Playoffs. Your cousin is playing as though he is trying out for the Cowboys, your grandpa is complaining about a pass-interference call, and your mom can’t make one completion! Then, your aunt dramatically limps off the field! If it couldn’t get any worse, the whole family is still arguing about who actually won and whether that last touchdown was caught inbounds.
8) There is an Internet/Cable Outage and no way to watch the Cowboys!
Your planned afternoon of relaxing in front of the TV, cheering on your favorite team is completely disrupted thanks to Xfinity providing updates in your area. Now you have been summoned to work on a 5000 piece puzzle of The Mayflower accompanied by Aunt Edna and Crazy Cousin Larry.
7) The very special apple pie was left at home!
Everyone has been dreaming about this dish since the beginning of the month, especially since it’s the only non-Costco dessert. But when it’s finally time to serve it a la mode, you discover the famous pie is missing, and ditzy Cousin Sarah admits that she left it sitting on her kitchen counter, over a hundred miles away.
6) You get booted to the 2nd table, next to Aunt Edna
She talks non-stop, while spitting pieces of cranberry from her dentures at you, asking, “How is school?” on repeat and reminding you of every embarrassing story from your childhood. By the time dessert is served, you are ready to dive face-first into the Costco pie, just to cope.
5) The Mystery Casserole No One Wants!
When you’re making your mouthwatering plate of Thanksgiving dinner and you come eye-to-eye with your grandmother who gives you three scoops of her Mystery Casserole. If you even think about saying no, she looks at you like you’ve personally insulted generations of family tradition. Now you’re stuck smiling politely while your plate sinks under the weight of something you’re 90% sure wasn’t supposed to jiggle.
4) Cousin Larry and his wife Susie dress as Squanto and Pocohontas…AGAIN!
There is something about political correctness that these people just cannot comprehend.
3) Your parents volunteer you to be on Clean-Up Duty
Everyone else disappears on the couch in a food coma and you and your unhelpful brother are left to clean up the entire kitchen. 38 pots, plates and pans are waiting for you..along with piles of silverware and trays of other dirty dishes. You do all of the work while your brother just sits on his phone!
2) Black Friday Starts @ Midnight
Finally finished with Clean-Up Duty, you are excited to learn that the internet has been restored! But, instead of getting to rest and watch the highlights of the game you missed, your dad informs you that you will now be accompanying Cousin Carol to Walmart so she can buy her 65” TV when they open at 12am for their Black Friday special.
1) Your grandpa drops the turkey!
Finally, after hours of small talk with third cousins you don’t ever remember meeting, you’re ready to eat this delicious, succulent bird when—splat!—the turkey hits the floor because your grandfather slipped over the broken wishbone he let your younger siblings break in the annual wishbone tug-of-war. Your main dish is ruined! But hey, at least you have the sides…right?
Seriously, Mavs, as we reflect on the significance of this holiday, we at The Review are thankful for all of our readers and many blessings. Enjoy your holiday!
