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The Review

The official student newspaper of St. John's School.

The Review

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The Review


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Appetite for Destruction: Suspect goes on 2-day North Campus crime spree

Alleged culprit faces charges of attempted robbery, criminal trespassing and being too darn cute
Georgia Andrews
Citizen crime-stopper captures suspect fleeing the scene after attempted robbery of a box of donuts.

HOUSTON – Authorities are still searching for the suspect who they say went on a two-day crime spree on the North Campus last week.

The suspect, identified as a small, furry rodent with a reddish-brown coat and bushy tail, is facing multiple robbery charges.

According to eye-witness accounts, the suspect was attempting to open a box of donuts left on the drop-off table for the Roquemore advisory and abscond with its contents on the morning of Friday, Sept. 8. 

The suspect made numerous attempts to open the box from River Oaks donuts, trying both to pry it open and gnaw through the cardboard with its prominent incisors. Fortunately for the Roquemore advisory, the box was taped shut, and the suspect fled the scene empty-handed. 

Attempted robbery caught on camera: Click here to see the exclusive video

According to Campus Security, the attempted burglary happened at around 10 a.m. in the 2400 block of Claremont Ln.

Georgia Andrews, Executive Design Editor for The Review, was in the plaza pensively looking off into the distance reflecting on her recent performance on a differential equations test when the furry creature interrupted her contemplative state. The video she took shows the moment the suspect approached the unattended donut box, and follows it until the final retreat from the table.

Andrews and the suspect briefly made eye contact before the suspect, being startled by the unexpected movement of the box, hurled itself off of the table in a frantic, helicopter-like maneuver and scurried back into the bushes. Several minutes later, recovering from the fright, it returned to the scene of the attempted crime before evacuating the area.

The suspect is alleged to have also taken a package of Oreo cookies from Ms. Dowlen’s room on the quad, although these accusations lack the same video evidence. 

“It came into the room and went through the snack box,” said Manning Muller, a student in Ms. Dowlen’s senior English class. “But it was very clearly only searching for Oreos. Nothing else was up to snuff.”

The suspect is not believed to have any relation to beloved squirrel known as Mr. Chonkers, whose characteristic plumpness and friendly demeanor has given him celebrity status within the community. 

The public is warned not to attempt to apprehend the suspect, who remains at large, themselves, due to a risk of infectious disease, and should instead contact authorities if they believe it has returned to campus. 

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About the Contributors
Ella Piper Claffy, Print Editor-in-Chief
Ella Piper  Claffy ('24) joined The Review in 2020 as a freshman. She frequently draws anatomically accurate whales and has a special affinity for the color yellow.
Georgia Andrews, Executive Design Editor
Georgia Andrews ('24) joined The Review in 2020 as a freshman. She enjoys reading, and her cat Mikey is a polyglot.

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